Juno-why I’m thankful to have a penis
Posted in Podcasts on Mar 15th, 2008 4 Comments »
Now, everyone who’s seen the film Juno, with Ellen Paige is creaming their pants.
Would you like to know more?
Fuck yeah you do, cause you have a penis, and this is for those with penises, and whose balls are harder than super alloy Z. but this movie is not for you, this movie is for those with vaginas, so those with them present please leave, wait, girls don’t exist on the internets, so it’s cool dudes, grab your manly brew skis and let’s discuss this film.
Ok, so the people who have creamed their pants are women, people who own vaginae and hearts. But see, here at the WMP, you can’t have both (even if you do, let’s pretend you don’t cause this is a place for the badasses of the internets).
Now, this is not a review, but a manly journey, of a heartless steel balled man watching a movie which is filled unnecessary teenage faggotry[1]. Now, in this movie, everyone is WAAAACKY!!!
MOTHER FUCKING WACKY, everyone is wacky, her dad, her boyfriend, her best friend AND THE WOMAN AT THE FUCKING ABORTION CLINIC! Yeah, the teenagers are “cool” and “hip” speaking like retards and “hipsters” making references to crap an awesome piece of podcasting man meat like I and my awesome IT fight guy co host DrasticV do not give to interplanetary destructive shits about (cause when I shit, entire micro colonies of acroyears are destroyed, and then the micromen praise me as their giant robot man god, I swear upon the gods of the Micromen it’s all true). This movie fucking sucks, and is horrible; I cannot express in words my hatred for this film. The main character reminds me of this asshat[2] from my school who fucking talks like her. He’s “cool” and “hip”, reads faggoty ass Scott Pilgrim (horrible comics, don’t fucking read them, only losers do) who’s also good at painting people I don’t give two interplanetary shits about.
Ok, so now, she just went to the people who want to adopt her little vaginal turd, and Jason Bateman, plays his crappiest (creepiest) role, as some guy who seems to be hitting on Juno. Now, I’m all for child-loving[3] but I mean, Juno’s too fucking annoying to be fucked, and you know, Ellen Paige is attractive, and surely a good actress, cause I had never wanted to punch someone in my life so hard. Wait, scratch that, This movie makes me wish I had no soul and was a heartless killing machine[4] and destroy everyone, EVERYONE, you, your mom, Juno’s friends, Micheal Cera and anyone involved in this film, shall we continue?
After meeting the two vag turd lovers, she goes to their rich-ass bathroom and uses some of Jason Bateman’s wife’s perfume and make up cream (she’s played by the chick who played Elektra, so she’s not important[5]). She then leaves the bathroom, and Jason Bateman sees her and she asks him to smell her wrists. Now, if someone came to my house, and tells me that the used my toiletries, and asked me to smell them, I would fucking rip them apart like the hulk. They would already be dead. Jason bateman also has the most pedo-fucking-phelic eyes ever, man alive, he wants to give it to Juno badly. Fuck Jason Bateman! Jesus! Now, you ask “but our god of manliness, machismo, battle and bravado, and lord of all hot angry women, why do you continue to torture yourself like this, surely, this must be hell!” Well, since, this dynamite bodied god of awesome is sitting here, I’m gonna answer my own question, this is for you my listeners, and people who can stand my annoyingly god-like voice. This is to please my awesome listeners[6].
Now, Juno, has visited Jason Bateman, and I’m feeling a rape coming (I could be wrong though dudes, and god forbid I’m right). This movie also has inane chatter that does not move a film forward. Some movies did, and Quenting Tarantino fucking did this, you lazy ass fucker. It’s called pacing, learn it sometime assholes. Don’t fill time, or think inane chatter is a necessary part of your shit fests called your films. They suck, and I’m gonna finish this off, and possibly make another article, so stay tuned for part two[7]. (I can’t stand this film, now I’m gonna watch Starship troopers go Rico’s Roughnecks! Cause this is just hell, I’d rather stick blunt blades into my legs).
